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Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
why isn’t he texting back
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.