“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
My birthstone is a marshmallow
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
i have one speed and it’s mosey