[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.