My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
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the pigeons are already plenty salty
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.