There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
You Might Also Like
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
BRAKING NEWS!!
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Raisins are grape jerky.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.