The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.