I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
How to woo a woman
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?