My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN