me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My patience has stretch marks.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
won’t smith
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them