[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
You Might Also Like
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Its a hippotatomus
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“I FIXED IT!”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders