what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
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You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?