My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
welcome back
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost