Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.