[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
How your email finds me
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes