him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?