The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
.. do you even science?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.