You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
listen closely
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do