My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
lmao
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT