The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?