I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.