Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.