What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
馃槀馃槀馃槀
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
馃幍 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…馃幍-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they鈥檙e so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain鈥檛 got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
The only thing I鈥檝e ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I鈥檇 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*