Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”