Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
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REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”