14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?