me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!