Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish