no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.