Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
A bold strategy
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.