“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur