What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Science memes
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform