Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man