[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Raisins are grape jerky.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My dryer is celebrating lint.