How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
You Might Also Like
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Siri, fight Alexa.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.