Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
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AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.