Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
an octopus is just a wet spider
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
No chill.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could