pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas