Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.