Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic