Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.