I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”