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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?