Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
The game has officially changed 😎
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
#StillHurts
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.