Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
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Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
as is their right
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot