Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
You Might Also Like
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.