Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Think I pulled my liver
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.