If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
You Might Also Like
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
when mom throws a party…
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Anyone want a chair?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show