“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
watergate? u mean a dam??
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad