breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
the clam before the storm
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.