Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur